Six Myths
Written by Melissa Orlov on Sun, 07/11/2010 - 15:48The new book by Melissa Orlov contains a significant section about “obstacle emotions” that keep some from improving relationships--these obstacles apply to all humans, and seem to be in great supply in too many cultures--the US, Syria, racial, religious, workplace, sports, dealing with state agencies, the medical field, and the uninformed when seeking to get help for a severely disabled and nonverbal sib.
Fight or flight emotions such as anger and fear are uncomfortable for PEOPLE, who typically react with either denial or a sense of hopelessness.
This post is to help me mediate between my family, agencies, the state, and "the world" so that I can be effective in supporting my sib!
One must always lean into hope--even when you feel mired in anger.
Myth #1– I Can’t Help It – My Spouse Drives Me To It
Sure you can! There is no doubt that your spouse’s ADHD symptoms can create a huge burden. But as Harriet Lerner, author of The Dance of Anger points out, anger is the result of our taking too much responsibility for our spouse’s feelings and reactions and not enough responsibility for our own life. You can address the root causes of anger in your relationship by giving back the responsibility for fixing ADHD to the partner who has it, while at the same time taking charge of your own happiness again. You can also train yourself to express your anger in positive and useful ways.
It can be scary to give back the responsibility for ADHD to an ADHD partner whom you suspect is incapable of successfully navigating that responsibility. Hopefully, you are beginning to see that the non-ADHD spouse can’t “fix” a partner’s ADHD no matter how much she might wish to. Although scary, the only real choice is to have the ADHD spouse responsible for his or her issues and you responsible for your own. You can (and should) be loving and supportive, and can give the “gift” of assistance when appropriate, as long as you are not the one responsible. But as soon as you feel you “must” take certain things on and don’t really want to, resentment and anger will follow.
Myth #2– My Anger Will Force Him to Change
No it won’t – it hasn’t so far. The things that you are angry about are the result of dealing with ADHD symptoms, which take time, effort and support to manage. You can scare an ADHD person into changing temporarily, but you can’t force it to last. You win the battle, but lose the war. Nature’s response to anger is defensiveness and more anger. The poisonous environment that anger creates is just the opposite from the supportive/safe environment that an ADHD person needs in order to be successful. Not only will your anger not force him to change, it will virtually assure that he can’t.
Myth #3– He Deserves It
Anger is a sign that things are out of balance, and this can (and should) serve as a signal that things must change. On the other hand, verbal abuse, screaming, belittling, shutting down and shutting out are forms of punishment and bullying. No one “deserves” to be punished by their spouse.
Myth #4 – “Getting it All Out” Will Make Me Feel Better
Releasing a short burst of anger can be an effective way to release bad feelings. But we’re not talking about a short burst of anger. We’re talking about pervasive, “can’t get it out of my system” anger. And the reason that releasing the anger doesn’t make you feel better over time is that the underlying reason why you are angry has to do with how you are both reacting to ADHD symptoms and how you are interacting as a couple. If you don’t fix the problem (and by “problem” I mean your joint ability to deal with symptoms and each other) releasing anger won’t make either of you feel better…it will just repeatedly return and make you both feel worse.
Myth #5 – If I Feel Hopeless, I Should Disconnect
You may be utterly exhausted, but disconnection isn’t the solution. Although some claim it is the only way to bear the pain, the downside is that the pain is still there. And disconnection never makes a good marriage. Don’t disconnect, seek help.
Myth #6– If I Deny My ADHD, The Problems Will Go Away
No. ADHD is built into your body. The symptoms will persist until you deal with them effectively with treatment, preferably with multi-pronged approach.”
Reprinted from The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps by Melissa Orlov, copyright 2010.
2 comments :
Our world is particularly loud and distracting. A wall between self and intense sensory "noise" (light, sound, crowds) is a sought-after "gift," a meditative space.
I notice Sufi, toe tapping or rocking, the ecstasy of Folklife dancing have a LOT in common with the repetitive behaviors that were all to obvious in Fircrest, an institution (warehouse) for the mentally retarded. I have long had a conflict--when does a behavior require intervention, when is the "journey" OK? Movies...escape...repetitive rocking, a la Joe Cocker. If could be grief, pain, isolation, withdrawal, oblivion, joy. So. Some "voices" are known as angels. Or demons. Or the voice of God. Or PTSD. Or a psychotic episode. Or genius. How are these voices of the mind calibrated? When is intervention interfering? How is "Under the Banner of Heaven" different from "A House in the Sky" or the ideas of James Baker, Adolph Hitler, Nixon, Peter and Paul, Mormon massacres (from Illinois to Mountain Meadows to Josh Powell).
What differentiates transformation and triumph from delusion? Or religious fervor from dementia?
For the autistic, for example, certain types of everyday "noise" are intense, disruptive, and debilitating--yet many use smells and bells as a way to better access to this dimensional shift. Autism is far from solely a medical diagnosis. Many of the "problem behaviors" associated with autism are social perceptions; society demonizes that which doesn't fit in to the "norm."
Certain things: dogs, snakes, crowds, rock music, rock climbing, skiing, war, forgiveness--are terrifying to some, empowering and resonant for others. The meditative/altered state is in and of itself terrifying for some--others embrace exploring the mind via "help" -- LSD, for example. Or classical music--or any other music. Sensitize, desensitize. Dwelling in the peace of a meditative state vs. the dissociation of a person trapped and/or entranced in a potentially life threatening place. Fairy tales of flying to the frozen north, triumph, good trumping evil, the Red Sox vs. the Patriots, the Jew vs. Islam. Power. Christ vs. Koch. Is it good? Is it useful? Is it loving? Should I avoid it? Or embrace it? Can I afford it? Can I afford to ignore it? Can I afford to postpone it?
Related books:
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/151657.Voices_of_the_Mind
https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/981745-women-who-run-with-the-wolves
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/09/08/books/review/a-house-in-the-sky-by-amanda-lindhout-and-sara-corbett.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0
IT IS SO HARD TO FIND SOME KIND OF BLESSING, GRATEFULNESS, I'm filled with poison just being near, yet am prevented in EVERY way from interacting or helping the disabled sib unless it goes through the steel jaws of that parent's bear trap poised seething razored black pus and poison.
I cannot imagine what it is like to be that parent, I ONLY know that even the car I drive, the soup I make, the offer to buy groceries is EXACTLY LIKE Danny DiVito's experience w/his ma in Throw Mama from the Train. THE ONLY way to deal with it is avoidance. Seriously, did anyone ever give a sermon on how to bring Christ into Danny Di Vito's character's life?
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